My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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