why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
