I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
