I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
