actually, I'm a sock model
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
