Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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