I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize