Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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