I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize