i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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