I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you never un-have a 4some
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
