he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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