I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
