We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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