remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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