After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Everclear isn't food dammit
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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