THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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