I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
