If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
