god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
