Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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