I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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