What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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