Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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