I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
