mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
