drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
