Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
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No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
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Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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