Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
