my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
