You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
