i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
