my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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