he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
