I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Randomize
