Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
