her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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