Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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