Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
