A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
