Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
send nudes
from the living room?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
