i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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