After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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