I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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