Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
