halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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