When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
