That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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