You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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