i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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