i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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