I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
