The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
