for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
