Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
