Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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