Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
