I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
