god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
