my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
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Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is Oprah even human