Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.