I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.